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The reality of my life...and sad..turns

Journal Entry: Thu Oct 16, 2014, 3:04 PM


For about three or more months, mom has been going down hill. Her speech her walking....everything is changing for the worse. Its obvious she is moving from the middle stages of her disease to the late. Huntington Disease also known as Huntington Chorea, has taken her abilities to walk and talk away from her slowly, she aspeirates, and falls alot more. Two weeks ago she almost fell in Walmart, if another customer had not come along and helped me i don' tknow what would have happened.  It is very heart breaking......and I've lost the joy of my drawing and writing honestly.


I used to find some kind of refuge in it.... a release, a joy, a comfort! Now all I feel lost, sad, angry, I am not holding it against God. I am not letting myself blame him. I have turned to him for help and I have put my faith in him that all will be well and as it should be. I refuse to turn back towards the way I was before. That does not take away the pain I am in as much as I would love to feel no pain and start drawing and painting and writing. Everything feels so foreign, like a terribly unknown stranger before me. I just can't get thru this issue to pick up a pencil and just really draw. Its not an art block like I've had before......


I've honestly had to force myself onto the web here and checking deviantart out. I just don't if its even worth the effort at this time.  I do not mean offense to anyone on here. It is just so had to want to do much of anything these days. I don't want to say its depression but how can it be anything else. Our house is plagued with on and off episodes, because of how sad we are watching mom die.


Worse no one in my mothe'rs family seems to really understand the full extent of how hard it is to watch her deteriorate, its gotten to the point now that there are some new people ignoring us. Because we said things that they didn't want to hear. We have emotions swirling daily around here, and its sad and its hard to go thru and to have people who are supposed to be there turn from you in your hour of need, it sucks.  I will say some of them are being helpful, but a majority of the people she calls family aren't around a lot either. It makes me feel bad for her, but she doesn't even notice it half as much as we do. I love her and its so hard to watch her and feel so alone in this situation. To make matters worse right now she has a very bad cold...and fell again last night. We're not having a easy time, and to know that our time with her is growing shorter it breaks my heart! So how can I come on here and draw and paint and write and pretend that nothing bad is happenig? How an I find that escape, when she is trapped by the body that holds her?! 


I am not blaming myself for her illness, nor is this a way of punishing myself. Though I do feel horrible and sad that I can't draw. I just don't have the happiness with it like I used to. Its like all the happiness seems to sap out of things> I try to pretend to be happy. I laugh and I joke with Mom and I do try to find the good. But its so hard right now to avoid noticing the bad when we are all noticing it and admitting what we hoped and prayed would never wanted for her or for us to see. My poor nieces are watching her every day with love mixed with sadness. My sister also fears now that she herself is showing signs, while I have remained without any. This makes me feel guilty, its known as Survivors Guilt. We have no way of knowing until we can aford the test, but we are very sure both Erica and myself, about what is going on with us. We are closer than ever, and she means so much to me. Watching another family member deal with this horrible disease it breaks a person's heart. 


So if you've wondered why I haven't really drawn anything or been active, and my activity has been slowly slowing down, this is why. I just ask you guys to pray for my family. The whole family needs to come together for mom. We need to find happiness again even in this daunting hour. I am sorry that I have been so reluctant to share, its very hard saying all this and I am crying now. I miss drawing, I miss you guys but most of all and more important of all I miss my mother....she's still alive but in the final stages things are going to get so bad at some point she won't even talk....or move.....its hard to explain. At this time she still can talk....but you can see its becoming so much worse..........



Activity


Michelle of Rivendell by PhoenixdreamangelMSB
Michelle of Rivendell
This was a totally fun photo manipulation I decided to pull off using myself as the subject for the sheer fun of it! LOL 

I think it turned out great and maybe its a step towards me feeling like myself again. I hope you all enjoy this!

Michelle Bowen
Loading...

The reality of my life...and sad..turns

Journal Entry: Thu Oct 16, 2014, 3:04 PM


For about three or more months, mom has been going down hill. Her speech her walking....everything is changing for the worse. Its obvious she is moving from the middle stages of her disease to the late. Huntington Disease also known as Huntington Chorea, has taken her abilities to walk and talk away from her slowly, she aspeirates, and falls alot more. Two weeks ago she almost fell in Walmart, if another customer had not come along and helped me i don' tknow what would have happened.  It is very heart breaking......and I've lost the joy of my drawing and writing honestly.


I used to find some kind of refuge in it.... a release, a joy, a comfort! Now all I feel lost, sad, angry, I am not holding it against God. I am not letting myself blame him. I have turned to him for help and I have put my faith in him that all will be well and as it should be. I refuse to turn back towards the way I was before. That does not take away the pain I am in as much as I would love to feel no pain and start drawing and painting and writing. Everything feels so foreign, like a terribly unknown stranger before me. I just can't get thru this issue to pick up a pencil and just really draw. Its not an art block like I've had before......


I've honestly had to force myself onto the web here and checking deviantart out. I just don't if its even worth the effort at this time.  I do not mean offense to anyone on here. It is just so had to want to do much of anything these days. I don't want to say its depression but how can it be anything else. Our house is plagued with on and off episodes, because of how sad we are watching mom die.


Worse no one in my mothe'rs family seems to really understand the full extent of how hard it is to watch her deteriorate, its gotten to the point now that there are some new people ignoring us. Because we said things that they didn't want to hear. We have emotions swirling daily around here, and its sad and its hard to go thru and to have people who are supposed to be there turn from you in your hour of need, it sucks.  I will say some of them are being helpful, but a majority of the people she calls family aren't around a lot either. It makes me feel bad for her, but she doesn't even notice it half as much as we do. I love her and its so hard to watch her and feel so alone in this situation. To make matters worse right now she has a very bad cold...and fell again last night. We're not having a easy time, and to know that our time with her is growing shorter it breaks my heart! So how can I come on here and draw and paint and write and pretend that nothing bad is happenig? How an I find that escape, when she is trapped by the body that holds her?! 


I am not blaming myself for her illness, nor is this a way of punishing myself. Though I do feel horrible and sad that I can't draw. I just don't have the happiness with it like I used to. Its like all the happiness seems to sap out of things> I try to pretend to be happy. I laugh and I joke with Mom and I do try to find the good. But its so hard right now to avoid noticing the bad when we are all noticing it and admitting what we hoped and prayed would never wanted for her or for us to see. My poor nieces are watching her every day with love mixed with sadness. My sister also fears now that she herself is showing signs, while I have remained without any. This makes me feel guilty, its known as Survivors Guilt. We have no way of knowing until we can aford the test, but we are very sure both Erica and myself, about what is going on with us. We are closer than ever, and she means so much to me. Watching another family member deal with this horrible disease it breaks a person's heart. 


So if you've wondered why I haven't really drawn anything or been active, and my activity has been slowly slowing down, this is why. I just ask you guys to pray for my family. The whole family needs to come together for mom. We need to find happiness again even in this daunting hour. I am sorry that I have been so reluctant to share, its very hard saying all this and I am crying now. I miss drawing, I miss you guys but most of all and more important of all I miss my mother....she's still alive but in the final stages things are going to get so bad at some point she won't even talk....or move.....its hard to explain. At this time she still can talk....but you can see its becoming so much worse..........



deviantID

PhoenixdreamangelMSB
Michelle
Artist | Professional | Digital Art
United States
I draw and do digital and traditional pictures, and I am currently working on 2 books. I was for a while against selling my own work because I was concerned that it would cost me my license for creativity. But honestly now I believe that its not going to hurt me to do this. I also need all the extra money I can get to support my terminally ill mother.

I love writing, and drawing, and I even enjoy singing. I have fun in life and I try to help others out as much as I can. I don't need to be 'famous' to be successful or happy. This does not mean I don't have dreams or want to keep drawing and writing and even getting published. But you will find I am not focused on that.

To top it off I am also a Christian! I will be putting up more Bible art so if you love that then look at the gallery!

See you sooN!
Interests

What is your favorite part about Autumn? 

55%
12 deviants said EVERYTHING!
32%
7 deviants said Halloween
14%
3 deviants said The leaves
0%
No deviants said Thanksgiving
0%
No deviants said The harvest!

Journal History

Comments


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:iconkeeperseekerx:
KeeperSeekerX Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Professional Writer
Want to win a free Copy of Seekers Tribulation BY SarahMyriaCarter

Seeker Contest(Win a Free Seeker book)-Exteneded
Reply
:iconrose74:
Rose74 Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you so much for the fave. :smooch:
Reply
:iconx-jazzy-b-real-x:
x-Jazzy-B-Real-x Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2014
Thanks for visiting ( The-Queens-Thief )! :) I know it was just a visit, but still. :XD: ; I feel like I should say that.
Reply
:iconphoenixdreamangelmsb:
PhoenixdreamangelMSB Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
LOL thats cool that you are happy but it sounds intereting. It used to be I didn't reallyd o the whole Crossover thing NOW I am an addicted girl! LOL

I've thoguht of these 2 on and of but not sure how that would go. LOL :D 
Reply
:iconx-jazzy-b-real-x:
x-Jazzy-B-Real-x Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2014
I know, me too. I don't know what happened, I was living a peaceful, productive life before. :lmao: 

I know! A lot of people don't. I had to think about it for a minute. 
Reply
:iconmyheadwonders:
MyHeadWonders Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2014  Hobbyist Interface Designer
Hey thanx for the FAVE, really means alot!!
Minion-Blah=P (Razz)  GiveGetCenter-party  
Reply
:iconphoenixdreamangelmsb:
PhoenixdreamangelMSB Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
You are welcome! 
Reply
:iconmyheadwonders:
MyHeadWonders Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2014  Hobbyist Interface Designer
Alright well hey don't be a stranger and feel free to contact me whenever you want Wink/Razz =P (Razz) Hug Breadfish Kao Emoji-38 (What in the world?) [V2] Neko Emoji-11 (I luv apples) [V1] Bear Emoji-09 (Nom nom) [V1] 
Reply
:iconkilo60:
Kilo60 Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks so much for the fave! :bow: 
Reply
:iconcarolinahm:
CarolinaHM Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
Hey thank you so much for the fav.!!! :]
Reply
:icondisned26:
disned26 Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2014
Thank you so much for the fav! =D (Big Grin) (sorry for the delay)
Reply
:iconj-cat:
J-Cat Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2014
:iconthxfavplz: :iconaheartforyou: :iconcutieelove:

:iconkittydividerplz::iconkittydivider2plz::iconkittydivider3plz::iconkittydivider4plz::iconkittydividerrbowplz:
Reply
:iconphoenixdreamangelmsb:
PhoenixdreamangelMSB Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
You are most welcome! You desrved it. I hadn't seen your gallery in a while. LOL I just get so many messages I end up missing half the mpics so every few weeks I try to go thru a few poeple at a time. LOL :D
Reply
:iconsaby3:
Saby3 Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you for the fave!
Llama Emoji-62 (Rawr I'll get you) [V3] 

((And happy birthday! :O))
Reply
:iconjohngreeko:
johngreeko Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Happy Birthday! Wish you all the best in the success of your books and more blessings for you to come together with your family!! :iconbdayplz: :iconbdaycakeplz:
Reply
:iconphoenixdreamangelmsb:
PhoenixdreamangelMSB Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Thank you so much! :D It means alot and the cake we had was AWESOME yummy! Oh my gosh it had 'best creme' which is normal frostin gmixed ith a whiped cream and OHHH yummmmy and it was chocolate! Even better :D
Reply
:iconwhytegriffin:
Whytegriffin Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Darn darn darn! I missed saying happy birthday ON your birthday! Sorry!
I hope that it was a wonderful day for a wonderful person like you ^_^
 Happy birthday!
       :squee:
Reply
:iconphoenixdreamangelmsb:
PhoenixdreamangelMSB Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Thanks so much :D LOL its ok I forgive ya! I dind't feel like putting up a bday journal I was busy so eh. LOL 

:D
Reply
:iconmizat11:
MizaT11 Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Happy birthday!! :D :D
Reply
:iconphoenixdreamangelmsb:
PhoenixdreamangelMSB Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
ty
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